When I look at my pictures as a child, hundreds of thoughts come to my mind ‘ of course after first admiring how cute I was :)’. I think to myself how I had NO idea that my life will take all these unusual turns. How someone who grew up in an upper-middle class family will one day struggle to pay bills and make ends meet. How I will be identified as a foreigner, refugee and an alien and yet always be a second class citizen (if I was lucky to be a citizen in that country!). How I will become an activist and be involved and interested in politics. How I will question religion and all that is holly and sacred. How my search for a better life will actually be a search to know who I am, what I want from this life and what really makes me happy aside from a nice chocolate Sunday with an extra caramel topping.
Since I am thinking about my crush, who I will give the name Malik for anonymity, most of my waking and sometimes sleeping hours, I will share everything I can without jeopardizing the anonymity of this blog in hopes that talking about it helps, as Freud once said. I will tell you things that would be embarrassing to share with my friends and family. All of my silly, forbidden and unorthodox thoughts. After all, isn’t that what blogs are made for?
Before going into how did this mad crush start, who Malik is and all the details, I would like to first define in my own terms what an obsessive crush is, so here are the symptoms:
- You think about him/her 90% of your day, the other 10% of course you are thinking about what to eat, wear and how to end the phone conversation with your mum!
- You think he/she is the only one for you and CAN NOT picture yourself with anyone else! (believe me I tried, doesn’t work!)
- You always put them on a pedestal and no one comes close to how you think and feel about them.
- You spend most of your time day dreaming of how your life will be like when you’ll be together and believe strongly that you will.
- Your mind turns into a constant scenario maker, creating scenes and stories of you being part of his/her life and friends with his/her friends and family. These stories feel so real to you that you have emotional reactions to them. (will be sharing with you later)
- You spend hours searching everything about them online; admiring every word or comment they made/make. Staring at their pictures and smile because you KNOW your kids will be cute!
- If in the same country, you think of crazy facts like if they are breathing the same air, looking at the moon at the same time as you, have been to this restaurant or that mall etc.
- Nothing will successfully distract you from thinking about him/her. Not a movie, a night out with friends, reading books about slavery in the 21st century or picking up a new hobby like writing! (because you end up writing about them in a blog! Sounds familiar?)
- Nothing you try will ever make you hate him/her. Not thinking they might be seeing someone else, that they could be gay and have not yet came out of the closet!, that they have smelly feet or even picturing them taking a dump in the toilet! (a bad tip from a friend!)
- You feel like you will never be a complete and a happy person if you don’t have him/her in your life! And all your university education, parents upbringing of becoming an independent person and all the books you have read about soul enlightenment and connecting with the present are all flushed down the toilet. You are more irrational than Sara Palin in any given day!
- These thoughts and feelings last more than at least a month.
Now how did all of this start?
To be continued!