I am still alive!

Dear Followers ( that would only be me right now lol),

When I first started started this blog I expected myself to be posting regularly, since I have minimal social interactions with people and this would give me an opportunity to reach out and communicate with you out there. A month and a half later, I find myself amused by the fact that I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to write even though a lot has happened! From being called a ni**er to moving towards recovering from my obsessive crush, which if I may add is the most unhealthiest, mind and energy consuming thing you will ever encounter in your life (hopefully never).

Initially I  was hoping to walk you through the crush and tell you how great of a person he is and how I am crazy about him. I was hopping things will progress and I will keep you posted with what is happening, but like everything else in my life right now, it all ended before it began. Like an unborn child who got aborted, our relationship never saw the light, never existed and was never born. I have a lot to learn from this experience and I hope to share it with you, perhaps I can save someone the pain of these kinds of unhealthy ‘relationships’.

You see.. as much as some of us would like to believe that we introverts tend to enjoy our own company more than the company of others. How we like to have our ‘me’ time and will quickly get depressed or stressed out if it wasn’t granted to us. Our satisfaction of these ‘alone’ times only occurs when we are around other people. This is coming from someone who used to enjoy eating out, going for a walk, to the movies and shopping alone in Canada.

I remember how I used to wish if I could ever take a train or a bus while being the only passenger on board! I wouldn’t have to push people for a seat (in Toronto you kinda have to) or have to worry about giving up a seat to an elderly or a pregnant lady especially when others are pretending they can’t see them! I wouldn’t have to listen to annoying cell phone conversations taking place very loudly on the bus. It would just be me and the driver. Miss Deep, the TTC is at your service, where would you like to go today? I used to wonder how great it would feel if I am the only one taking the trains, buses and streetcars!

Now I realize that the joy we get from spending time alone is conditioned to an important question. Is being alone an option? Are you spending time alone because you choose to or because you don’t have any other choice? While in Canada I had a choice, where I am right now I do not! Hence I am alone by force and not choice, which shouldn’t matter right?Especially since I don’t mind all the ‘alone’ time in the world.. and so I thought. Truth is we like the illusion of being alone. We replace the company of familiar faces with the company of unfamiliar faces. The children you watch walking with their parents on the street, the old gentleman reading the newspaper who is sitting next to you in the library. The couple who are having a coffee that you are observing and wondering if they are on a date since they both look overdressed for a Timothy’s coffee shop in the Bloor Village area (a low key area).

My friends, these random strangers are what we replace people we know or might know with. Only when I moved to a foreign country where hanging around people was not an option due to transportation costs, did I realize how much their company really meant to me.

When the ‘alone’ time was the only time being consumed. When being alone was no longer an option or a choice. My mind refused, objected and denied our new reality. I then  slowly found myself drawn to a person I new through a common friend. My brain found a new raw material to use to create this delusional aim and life goal. Then it took a boat and started sailing far away from my reality ( unemployed, away from friends and family and broke). The thoughts of being with this guy who I hardly knew took charge and he became the company I couldn’t reach out to in real life. So I thought to myself, what harm could this cause, really? Big mistake! Never fill an emotional gab, a social gab and most importantly a time gap (since I had plenty) with a crush! Soon it will take over your life, will consume your mental energy and the ship you took will land you in a very dark, cold and lonely place. It will take you a long time to go back to where you started. Back to reality!

An obsessive crush isn’t born overnight. It’s fed and nurtured into life. It feeds on lack of true love and self-worth. If I initially felt that I am worthy of a healthy relationship, one that includes mutual attraction and admiration, I wouldn’t have obsessed over a guy who cares nothing for me. I wouldn’t have sent him an admiration letter confessing of how much I am crazy about him! For God’s sake, I wouldn’t even ‘liked’ someone whom I’ve never met face to face, or heard his voice, or had chemistry with (Note to self: this involves two people lol). He could have sounded like Sponge Bob square pants and perhaps smelled like him for that matter! I look back ,or maybe I should say turn my head back since I am not that far away from this experience to claim recovery, and think how pathetic I was for doing this whole thing. How sad my life is that I would develop these strong feelings towards someone and think of him non-stop, follow him online, communicate with him directly and indirectly only to find that global warming could be more interesting to him than me lol. Yes I laugh because It is healthier to laugh at our mistakes than cry over them. Laughing helps in these situations. Silly me…

The self-esteem damage crushes cause alone is sufficient to avoid them at all costs. I tell myself that he doesn’t know me therefore I shouldn’t feel bad or take it personal. I shouldn’t take it to heart, but really I can’t help it. Whenever you lay all your cards and express your feelings by initiating the first move (especially as a Sudanese girl), not only are you wearing your heart on your sleeves, but also subjecting your self-image and esteem to a very harsh test. In our Sudanese culture and similarly in other cultures, men are expected to make all the first moves. So this was a big risk I took and I regret it, fortunately though it taught me a lot. One thing for sure is I haven’t got A CLUE on understanding how Sudanese men think, behave or feel at all, which is a whole different topic.. maybe for a different post.

It is evident to me now that our minds will create a whole different reality for us if not given a reasonable one. My current situation was unacceptable to my mind and so we both (my mind and I) drifted towards this imaginary, unrealistic and very sad mission of having my crush in my life because my life depended on it and in fact it did for a while!

And now for the last month, I decided screw expensive taxi rides I am going to walk as far as my feet can take me to see my fellow humans. As far as I can sit somewhere and pretend that I am enjoying my own company while I am actually enjoying theirs. My fellow humans thank you for keeping me company 🙂 . I will no longer say I enjoy my ‘alone’ time because I truly enjoy being around you even though I don’t know you. You being around me gives me my sense of existence.

We all would like to think that we want to be alone but never lonely, when we actually want to be neither alone nor lonely. We all want to be together in our own different ways. So if you see someone sitting by themselves in a coffee shop, the library or the park smile at them because they are enjoying your company whether they know it yet or not! 🙂

Be well,

Deep

Continued…

When I look at my pictures as a child, hundreds of thoughts come to my mind ‘ of course after first admiring how cute I was :)’. I think to myself how I had NO idea that my life will take all these unusual turns. How someone who grew up in an upper-middle class family will one day struggle to pay bills and make ends meet. How I will be identified as a foreigner, refugee and an alien and yet always be a second class citizen (if I was lucky to be a citizen in that country!). How I will become an activist and be involved and interested in politics. How I will question religion and all that is holly and sacred. How my search for a better life will actually be a search to know who I am, what I want from this life and what really makes me happy aside from a nice chocolate Sunday with an extra caramel topping.

Since I am thinking about my crush, who I will give the name Malik for anonymity, most of my waking and sometimes sleeping hours, I will share everything I can without jeopardizing the anonymity of this blog in hopes that talking about it helps, as Freud once said. I will tell you things that would be embarrassing to share with my friends and family. All of my silly, forbidden and unorthodox thoughts. After all, isn’t that what blogs are made for?

Before going into how did this mad crush start, who Malik is and all the details, I would like to first define in my own terms what an obsessive crush is, so here are the symptoms:

  •  You think about him/her 90% of your day, the other 10% of course you are thinking about what to eat, wear and how to end the phone conversation with your mum!
  •  You think he/she is the only one for you and CAN NOT picture yourself with anyone else! (believe me I tried, doesn’t work!)
  •  You always put them on a pedestal and no one comes close to how you think and feel about them.
  •  You spend most of your time day dreaming of how your life will be like when you’ll be together and believe strongly that you will.
  •  Your mind turns into a constant scenario maker, creating scenes and stories of you being part of his/her life and friends with his/her friends and family. These stories feel so real to you that you have emotional reactions to them. (will be sharing with you later)
  •  You spend hours searching everything about them online; admiring every word or comment they made/make. Staring at their pictures and smile because you KNOW your kids will be cute!
  •  If in the same country, you think of crazy facts like if they are breathing the same air,  looking at the moon at the same time as you, have been to this restaurant or that mall etc.
  •  Nothing will successfully distract you from thinking about him/her. Not a movie, a night out with friends, reading books about slavery in the 21st century or picking up a new hobby like writing! (because you end up writing about them in a blog! Sounds familiar?)
  •  Nothing you try will ever make you hate him/her. Not thinking they might be seeing someone else, that they could be gay and have not yet came out of the closet!, that they have smelly feet or even picturing them taking a dump in the toilet! (a bad tip from a friend!)
  •  You feel like you will never be a complete and a happy person if you don’t have him/her in your life! And all your university education, parents upbringing of becoming an independent person and all the books you have read about soul enlightenment and connecting with the present are all flushed down the toilet. You are more irrational than Sara Palin in any given day!
  •  These thoughts and feelings last more than at least a month.

Now how did all of this start?

 
To be continued!