When I look at my pictures as a child, hundreds of thoughts come to my mind ‘ of course after first admiring how cute I was :)’. I think to myself how I had NO idea that my life will take all these unusual turns. How someone who grew up in an upper-middle class family will one day struggle to pay bills and make ends meet. How I will be identified as a foreigner, refugee and an alien and yet always be a second class citizen (if I was lucky to be a citizen in that country!). How I will become an activist and be involved and interested in politics. How I will question religion and all that is holly and sacred. How my search for a better life will actually be a search to know who I am, what I want from this life and what really makes me happy aside from a nice chocolate Sunday with an extra caramel topping.

Since I am thinking about my crush, who I will give the name Malik for anonymity, most of my waking and sometimes sleeping hours, I will share everything I can without jeopardizing the anonymity of this blog in hopes that talking about it helps, as Freud once said. I will tell you things that would be embarrassing to share with my friends and family. All of my silly, forbidden and unorthodox thoughts. After all, isn’t that what blogs are made for?

Before going into how did this mad crush start, who Malik is and all the details, I would like to first define in my own terms what an obsessive crush is, so here are the symptoms:

  •  You think about him/her 90% of your day, the other 10% of course you are thinking about what to eat, wear and how to end the phone conversation with your mum!
  •  You think he/she is the only one for you and CAN NOT picture yourself with anyone else! (believe me I tried, doesn’t work!)
  •  You always put them on a pedestal and no one comes close to how you think and feel about them.
  •  You spend most of your time day dreaming of how your life will be like when you’ll be together and believe strongly that you will.
  •  Your mind turns into a constant scenario maker, creating scenes and stories of you being part of his/her life and friends with his/her friends and family. These stories feel so real to you that you have emotional reactions to them. (will be sharing with you later)
  •  You spend hours searching everything about them online; admiring every word or comment they made/make. Staring at their pictures and smile because you KNOW your kids will be cute!
  •  If in the same country, you think of crazy facts like if they are breathing the same air,  looking at the moon at the same time as you, have been to this restaurant or that mall etc.
  •  Nothing will successfully distract you from thinking about him/her. Not a movie, a night out with friends, reading books about slavery in the 21st century or picking up a new hobby like writing! (because you end up writing about them in a blog! Sounds familiar?)
  •  Nothing you try will ever make you hate him/her. Not thinking they might be seeing someone else, that they could be gay and have not yet came out of the closet!, that they have smelly feet or even picturing them taking a dump in the toilet! (a bad tip from a friend!)
  •  You feel like you will never be a complete and a happy person if you don’t have him/her in your life! And all your university education, parents upbringing of becoming an independent person and all the books you have read about soul enlightenment and connecting with the present are all flushed down the toilet. You are more irrational than Sara Palin in any given day!
  •  These thoughts and feelings last more than at least a month.

Now how did all of this start?

To be continued!


Hello everyone and welcome to my blog

Before starting on the topics mentioned in my blog’s ‘About’ section, I would like to first start this blog with a letter to someone who has affected every aspect of my life for the last 7 years, and the lives of millions of other Canadians.

Dear Stephen Harper,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I am a Sudanese Canadian, who followed the Canadian dream by pursing my education and earning one certificate after another, until I had no room to hang them up in my wall. I also did the whole entry level job thing with the hope that I will eventually move up the ladder, which I never did. I did everything I could possibly do to improve my living situation, which was below the poverty line.

After almost a decade of struggling to make ends meet, I find myself thousands of miles away from Canada looking for a job overseas. Very lonely, broke, cold and suffering from an obsessive crush, which I will get to you later.

I just feel that had you and your government had young Canadians in your political agenda, I wouldn’t be here today. I would be in Canada with my friends and everyone I love and care for. Instead I am at a foreign land with no friends and family looking for a job, which my own country didn’t bother to provide.

I did everything from working at call centers, to door to door marketing. From working as a concierge to taping adds on street polls when it was -10 degrees outside. I didn’t complain then because I thought to myself everyone must start somewhere. That everyone goes through this and that when I finally graduate more doors will open and I will work in my field and start with an entry level job and work my way up. Well.. let me tell you something Stephen, doors Never opened! They simply didn’t  I did everything I could. Workshops for ‘ how to write the perfect resume’, ‘best interview skills’ and everything I needed to know to find ‘the perfect job’. I can write books on these topics and perhaps win an award for it!

I always pictured myself working, living and settling in Canada. I had dreams of buying my first car, after learning how to drive of course. How I am going to throw a party after buying my first house. How I will start a family and have children and help bring them up to be good citizens.

You know Stephen.. what really hurts is that I believed in the Canadian dream with all my heart. I couldn’t wait to give back to this beautiful country, but I couldn’t. I was never able to secure a decent job that wasn’t offered to me in the first place!

Where was I in your plans Stephen? Where were the young and hopeful Canadians? Do you ever think of us? Do we ever come up when you are meeting with your party? How important are we to you, the poor and under privileged youth? Truth is we are never in your or your party’s thoughts, being conscious or subconscious. We don’t matter! After all we can’t offer you generous campaign donations because we are unemployed!

I am thousands of miles away from home. Thousands of miles away from every heart that beats with love for me. Connecting to the internet through my neighbor’s Wi-Fi, struggling to find a job and missing Canada even though it’s freezing there right now, something I thought will never happen in a million years!

I hold you responsible for the employment conditions my generation is going through or lack thereof! For my lonely nights when I have to cry myself to sleep. For the long walks to the closest grocery store here because I can’t afford taking a taxi. For the pain I feel every time someone tells me here that they heard Canada is a great place for employment opportunities and wonder what am I doing here!

My endurance will not change how I feel towards Canada. I will never become a bitter Canadian for I love you Canada :). I love your friendly people. The fight over who gets a seat in the bus, with the occasional pushing. The sound of the Chinese flute playing in the TTC subway, and how I used to sit and listen to the flutist only offering him a smile afterwards because that was all I could afford, and him taking it gracefully. I love the random chit-chats with friendly strangers about anything and everything. I never wanted to leave you Canada for I love everything about you and I miss you! I just wish these feelings were mutual. As big as you are Canada, I couldn’t find in you a place for me.

So Stephen, I will communicate with you from time to time because you need to know what is happening in my life since your policies do affect every Canadian even the ones stranded overseas. As a politician you need to be reminded of the fact that budget proposals aren’t simply used to beat the opposition into a majority at the parliament. Everything you do or fail to do affects real Canadians; real humans with dreams, hopes and aspirations. They affect us all.